Hmmm

Last night I laid down with some lovely company to watch the film, "Vicky Christina Barcelona" (about two American girls and their summer in Spain) How ironic, I am an American and my company was from Spain, thus, whats not to enjoy?
As I was watching the film, I became suprised and almost scared about how much of myself I saw in Scarlett Johansson's character, Christina. Setting aside her curiosity of the world,and a craving for diversity and a new atmosphere there were several lines said both by and about her throughout the film that might as well have been taken straight from my own mind.

for example:
Christina's view on Love: "She expected something very different out of love. She had reluctantly accepted suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion, and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk. If you asked her what it was she was gambling her emotions on to win, she would have not been able to say. She knew what she didn't want however, and that was was exactly what Vicky valued above all else."

I see so much suffering in love and passion, perhaps more than the average person would like to know or hear about. I always think and accept going into a new relationship that I will probably be hurt in the end, not every ending is that out of a fairy tale. I hate being uncertain about the future and about people's thoughts and feelings. Thus, I have realized that Love is endless suffering, without it people are sad, envious, and long for it deeply. With love, people are passionate and happy, however there is always a great feeling of jealousy and fear hiding in a deep dark corner of my heart that is always there to remind me that I am putting my emotions at risk when I love another. There is pain with love, and there is pain without it. But as my dear Spaniard said himself, "A wife should never speak of death." all in all it means, enjoy what you have now and don't worry about the negative aspects of the future, because it can poison all you have in this one moment in a short life.

Christina's view on her "artistic side": "No I just have to come face to face with the fact that I am not gifted, you know? I can appreciate art, and I love music. It's sad really because I feel like I have alot to express and I am not gifted."

Me too, and because of this I feel useless...perhaps I have simply not found inspiration yet. I just have to keep looking I guess.

Other similarities that I saw in the two of us is that as much love as she was receiving, throughout the film she always seemed slightly confused and depressed. That's simple, anyone can relate to that. However, it seemed that her
"foreignness" to the culture forced her to finish last in her relationship. I just saw myself in Greece two summers ago, trying to fit in trying to explore and enjoy myself. But no matter what, becaue I was only half Greek and American, I was never "good enough" for any of them and in the end i finished last too. It's a difficult subject to explain, and I'm shocked that a Woody Allen film could provoke so much emotion that I thought I had hidden away long ago. It made me cry. I don't know if I can ever watch this film again. That's all I can say about this for now.